The Epic Comedic LOTR Poem!
by The Noble Platypus
Summary: Chapter three up! LOTR in one forking huge poem! Could be interesting, eh? I'm not taking this too seriously, so neither should you, but if you R&R it'll make me smile!
1. The legend!

All right, I am bored and so am attempting to write a LOTR epic comedic poem!  
  
I own nothing. Nothing, nothing, nothing.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Some elves got this idea one day  
  
To make some purty rings  
  
They were shiny and so purty  
  
Really wonderful things  
  
There were three rings for the elven-folk  
  
The dwarves were given seven  
  
Mortal men got nine  
  
(they'd broken two - it *was* eleven)  
  
But this bad-ass guy named Sauron  
  
Planned to make one for himself,  
  
So he stole ring-making secrets  
  
From a not-too-clever elf.  
  
He made the ring in Mordor  
  
In the fires of Mount Doom,  
  
Where there's lots of smoke and lava  
  
And volcanoes all go BOOM!  
  
The ring was really evil;  
  
It made lots of people die.  
  
Its power could not be undone,  
  
But some decided to try.  
  
A bunch of men and elves  
  
Marched to Sauron's own front door  
  
Singing, "Your ring is way evil;  
  
We don't like you anymore!"  
  
Then they shot a bunch of arrows!  
  
Every man and every elf  
  
Killed a bunch of orcs. Since Sauron  
  
Wouldn't come and fight himself  
  
The big pansy. Then he DID come out  
  
With a way big axe.  
  
And then he found the king,  
  
And he dealt him forty whacks!  
  
Isildur did not like this,  
  
Since the king was his dad.  
  
He knelt beside his father's corpse  
  
And started to get mad.  
  
He picked up his father's sword  
  
But then Sauron broke it.  
  
But Isildur had a mind  
  
And this is how he spoke it:  
  
"Sauron, you reign is at an end!"  
  
Isildur loudly cried.  
  
Then he chopped the tyrant's hand right off!  
  
Sauron blew up and died.  
  
Well, it turns out that he did not die  
  
Since to the ring he was bound.  
  
And that dumb Isildur took it.  
  
Until one day he was found  
  
By a bunch of evil orcs  
  
Who decided to attack.  
  
Isildur tried to swim away.  
  
They shot him in the back.  
  
The ring sank in the water  
  
And the film score turned real solemn.  
  
It sat there for a thousand years  
  
Till it was found by Gollum.  
  
He took it in some caves  
  
Where he liked to sit and stroke it  
  
And then a hobbit came along  
  
And Gollum wished to choke it  
  
And eat it all right up.  
  
But Bilbo Baggins had his Sting  
  
They had a riddle match  
  
Then Bilbo booked it with the ring.  
  
Bilbo thought that it was just a ring  
  
In truth there was none greater.  
  
He took it home, which brings us  
  
To the Shire, sixty years later.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Heh heh heh. What do you think? Worth continuing? Review and let me know! 


	2. The Shire!

Aaarrgh, I got reviews! Holy shiznatch! A big thanks to you all! Time to continue, hehehe!  
  
Disclaimer: I actually *do* own Lord of the Rings. I also own the Disney Company (I got that by holding Walt's cryogenically frozen body for ransom). I also own Microsoft, and Bill Gates is my personal slave! I also own Easter Island! And I invented beanie babies! And I invented the internet! And, unlike the usual six degrees, I am within TWO degrees of every single other person on the planet! And I'm getting paid $500,000 for every word I type! LA LA LA! Those counted, too! They don't even have to be real words! Snix! Bleethil! It could just be random symbols and punctuation marks, too! % ? : # ! More money for me! And I have the entire cast of LOTR chained in my basement, and they WORSHIP ME! I AM THE NOBLE PLATYPUS, QUEEN OF QUEENS! LOOK UPON MY WORKS, YE MIGHTY, AND DISPAIR!!!  
  
Real disclaimer: That first disclaimer was completely and entirely false . . . except for the Easter Island bit.  
  
Real disclaimer (seriously this time): I own nothing but a bag of Ritz, which I am munching on as I type. And I just finished them. So now I have nothing. Nothing! *sobs*  
  
On with the poem!  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
There was a lad named Frodo  
  
And he was a hobbit.  
  
And if he had a cold and someone  
  
Slapped him, he'd yell, "Stobbit!"  
  
He liked to read big books  
  
And hang out under trees  
  
And wear brown pants that, for some reason,  
  
Just went past his knees.  
  
He lived in the Shire,  
  
A lovely place, and green,  
  
And was the hottest hobbit  
  
That this poet's ever seen.  
  
One day he was reading  
  
When he heard some noise.  
  
It was someone singing,  
  
And he recognized their voice!  
  
He leaped up to his feet  
  
And ran down a grassy slope.  
  
He dropped his book along the way  
  
Because he is a dope  
  
With no respect for literature!  
  
But this we will ignore,  
  
Since Frodo saw a horse and cart!  
  
And then, what's more,  
  
There was an old man on the cart  
  
With a big hat on his head.  
  
Frodo stopped and smirked at him.  
  
"You're late!" Is what he said.  
  
"A wizard is never late!"  
  
The old grey man replied.  
  
"And I saw to it that the last guy  
  
Who gave me crap soon died!"  
  
"Oh no, I didn't mean it!"  
  
Frodo cried out in fear.  
  
But the old grey man just laughed,  
  
And his friendly side appeared!  
  
"Well hey, it's great to see you!"  
  
Frodo jumped into the cart.  
  
"What is the outside world like?  
  
How have you been, you old fart?"  
  
Gandalf shook the reins  
  
And they rode through the town.  
  
"The world's the same, and no one knows  
  
You hobbits are around,  
  
Which is frankly, fine with me."  
  
Gandalf said with some relief.  
  
Then some hobbit-children chased him,  
  
Every one with the belief  
  
That he would burn stuff for their trouble.  
  
At first, he ignored their pleas,  
  
But they started to annoy him  
  
So he burned a couple trees.  
  
"YAY!" The hobbit-children cheered,  
  
And danced around the blaze.  
  
"Um, glad you're back, I guess,"  
  
And Frodo ran off in a daze.  
  
Gandalf continued up the lane,  
  
Still hearing children laugh.  
  
He reached Bag-end, went to the door,  
  
And banged it with his staff.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Woo hoo for reviews!  
  
Kath: YAY! Hehehe, I don't think I even told you about this one, did I? You are awesome! I keep trying to call you and you're never home! You call me next time! :P  
  
Szhismine: Gee, thanks! *grins* So nice to see some of my old reviewers checking out my other stuff, even if I did kinda request it . . . ahem . . . *shifty eyes*  
  
Nancing nobody: You aren't a nobody, you are a wonderful reviewer! I'll continue it!  
  
ElvishNature: Yay, you too!! Thanks so forking much! I'm so glad you like it!  
  
Lifidia: Wow, thanks! It r0x your s0x, eh? Hehe! This is the only epic comedic poem I have going on, but I have a nearly-complete mono-syllabic parody of Pirates of the Caribbean you can check out if you want! It's on my author profile thingy. Bad Guys of That Warm Sea Place! Bwaha!  
  
Pearl-Brandybuck: You were my first reviewer! Go you! Thanks a bunch! :D  
  
Review and I'll let you look at my Legolas cutout! I'll even let you touch it, but I'm afraid I'll have to charge you $1 per finger. That's a good deal . . . um . . . right.  
  
~Platy 


	3. The plan!

Hmmm I feel like updating this for some reason. 

Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of the Rings, and I don't own the concept of poetry. If this comes as a surprise to anyone, go to the nearest asylum and turn yourself in. They will know what to do with you there.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Bilbo opened up the door

And gasped at who he saw.

"My dear Gandalf!" he cried out

As he munched a carrot, raw.

"If it isn't Bilbo Baggins!"

With a twinkle in his eye

Gandalf kneeled down and gave a hug

To the little guy.

Then the wizard peered at him

And grumbled to himself,

"You're really old, but you look younger,

Kind of like an elf."

Bilbo just grinned at his friend

And led him through the door.

He took his staff and hat away

Then down the hall he tore.

"Do you want some food or alcohol?"

The little hobbit cried.

"I've got eggs and tea and stuff

in my pantry, inside!"

"I'll just have some tea, thank you,"

The old gray wizard said.

Then he tried to turn around 

And smacked his old gray head

On the ceiling. And he groaned in pain

And rubbed his sore head where

He hit the wood, but since he's nice,

He didn't curse or swear.

"Do you mind if I stuff my face?"

Bilbo muttered through his food.

"Looks like you're eating anyway,"

Gandalf grumbled, in a mood.

Suddenly there was a knocking 

On the hobbit's door

"I know you're in there!" someone screamed

and Bilbo softly swore.

"It is those Sackville-Bagginses!

They always give me crap!

They're all upset I haven't died

And interrupt my naps!

I have to get away from them!

I'm going on a trip.

I'll go off to where I won't

Have to deal with this ship!"

"Frodo knows you're up to stuff,"

Gandalf pointed out.

"You know he's very fond of you;

if you run off, he'll pout,

and then I'll have to listen to him whine

till I'm about to scream!"

"He'd come with if I asked him,

but to me that doesn't seem 

to be the best idea,"

Bilbo said with a shrug.

"I think Frodo still likes it here.

He'd hate it if I drug

Him off." "It's _dragged,"_

Gandalf muttered with a frown.

"At least use proper tenses,

You vocabulary clown!"

"Well, the point is that I'm out of here,"

Bilbo said, in a huff.

"I'm leaving and I won't come back!

There, is that enough?"

"No need to get pissed off,"

Gandalf said, and passed the kettle.

"There's nothing going on here

that Old Toby wouldn't settle."

So they went and sat outside,

Smoking pipe-weed if I may

Interrupt the flow just briefly

I would only like to say

That doing drugs is very wrong

And weed I don't condone!

So if you DO pick up the habit,

You'd better leave me alone

Because I will not take the blame for it!

And now, that being said,

Let's return to our two old friends

Blowing smoke rings 'round their heads.

Bilbo blew a smoke ring

And it grew as it did float

Then Gandalf thought he would show off

So HE blew a smoke BOAT.

"That was pretty neat,"

Bilbo said. "And you can bet

That my birthday party will become

A night few will forget!"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

WHEW! I know it's been forever since I updated, so I made this chapter a nice long one!

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LegyLuva: Glad you liked the disclaimers! I had fun writing them. ^_^ And this is probably at the bottom of my list when it comes to importance with my current works-in-progress, but I figured I'd update again because I was suddenly getting reviews. Thanks a ton!

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Liliac of the Purple Cloak: Wow! I'm so glad that ISPCE celebrities are reading my fics, hehehe! I'm very glad you like it!

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Lady of Imladris: Yay! You came! Glad you liked it!! And your most welcome for the reviews; your fic is hysterical! I hope you update it soon!!

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Mandi: Wow, thanks! Sure, you can touch the cutout better yet, here! Touch the REAL Legolas!

Legolas: What?!

Platy: Oh come on, Leggy, be a sport!

Legolas: (sighs heavily) FINE man, when we get to me in this thing, you better be singing my praises.

Platy: You just better cooperate, or else when we get to you, I'll kill you off! 

Legolas: (gasps) You wouldn't!

Platy: Well, maybe not but I WOULD dress you up in drag.

Legolas: (turns white) Fine! Touch me, Mandi!

Platy: Wow you won't hear THAT coming out of his mouth too often, Mandi. Better seize the opportunity!

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jackaragornandorliareMINE: Now, now, it's always nice to share! ;-) You'll like college. And you'll hear that you'll like college from a lot of people. And they're right! :P 

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plum jam: Yay! Another cult fan! :D Glad you liked both chapters so far! I think this one is my best yet, but that may just be because it's the longest. ;-) 

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mIsUnDeRsToOdGnOmE: Your name never gets any easier to type, you know that? Thanks a bunch! 

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Phaidra: I don't know how I do it (shrugs) But hey, YOU just did! Rhyme all the time! You're a poet and you didn't even know it! :-P Thanks a bunch, both for your reviews and for your advertising, hehehe!

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Elfstone: I got caught up with other things, I guess. But I will be updating it occasionally! Glad you like it!

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Michelle Frodo: Hee well, it's been over two months since you commanded me sorry about that. But I DID update! Wow, glad you enjoyed it so much! :D I love making people laugh!

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Plasmolysed Cell Membrane: Glad you think it's cool but I think your penname is cooler by far, hehehehe!

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GamgeeFest: Ooh, Dante! I got to read him! Maybe I should try writing it in that freaky three-line rhyme scheme thing he does. Nah too much work. ;-) Thanks loads!

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ElvenPirate41: Well, how else was I supposed to rhyme "hobbit?" :P And Sauron IS a pansy. Thanks!

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Nagging Parent: I love you, mom. (gulps nervously)

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KochanMikono: hehehe thanks! That is a compliment, right?

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Skimbleshanks, the Railway Cat: Thanks! It'll just have to do until they make it a musical. ;-)

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Pointy Ears Are My Thing: Wow, three times?! I've only read it once, because I had to but I would like to read it again. You just can't enjoy it fully if it's forced. I liked the Iliad, though. I'll try to do the whole story it would certainly take a long time, though! And it's okay, because I have the same sign as Elijah Wood. ^_^ 

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Window Girl: Thanks! No, I don't but if whoever does own it was willing to just give it to me for free, I wouldn't say no! ;-)

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Kaihawk: Thanks! And I did!

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SoCruel: Wee! Thanks!

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HannahBanana:D: Wow, thanks a ton! (blushes) I don't know how I can do it, either. Oh, well. As long as it gets done. :D

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Megan Sleevewillow: Thanks a bunch, Megan! And you don't have to write poetry when you can write hysterical parodies! :P

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szhismine: Aw, thanks! Um define "soon"

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ElvishNature: Yeah, I'm sorry. I don't know what I was thinking. ;-) If you want, you can touch the real Legolas with all of your fingers as soon as Mandi is done with him (looks around) Where the heck did they go? Ooh, a POTC poem! Har! If I ever get everything else wrapped up, I sure will! Can I have the plushie now? (Bambi eyes) You can't compare me to the inventor of marshmallows! That's like blasphemy or something! Hehehe, thanks a bunch! You flatter me terribly!

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chai latte: yeah, I know it'll take forever and a day. Maybe this can be my life project! Or maybe I'll just work on it a lot over the summer. Glad you like it! Thanks a bunch!

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Kath: KATH! WOOT! WE ARE SO GOING TO DULUTH! And what's wrong with ripping off of Ozymandias? Maybe people will read this, think, "Oh, Ozymandias, who the fork is that?" And look up the poem and become I dunno more educated and worldly or something.

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Aindel S Druida: I would get a boyfriend, but after watching all of my friends here endure near-lethal levels of angst, I'm in no hurry. And this IS my hobby! :-P Huzzah for being nutty!

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Elderberry: Rhymes are the best! Though solemn-Gollum took me a while.

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Yuhi-thedoerofevildeeds: Well, thanks for saying that! :-) Hope you liked this chapter!

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Lifidia: Want the real Legolas instead? You'll have to wait until Mandi and Elvishnature are done with him, though and that might be a while. ;-)

Woohoo! Lots of reviews! **34**, I believe! Wow! Wow! You are all the best!

~Platy


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